thoughts in random

No seriously, I love it!

2008-11-06T18:47:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I came to a realization today. I know too much about the 80's and I find way too much joy in cheesy songs from my youth. As I was watching an episode of Who's the Boss today at lunch I was able to identify the father from Teen Wolf in a guest appearance, reminisce about the episode when Sam gets her first bra and knew remembered that Sam's best friend was named Marci. Out of nowhere this information appears and spews out my mouth. But you know what? I love it, I absolutely love the 80's!!!

You've got a Friend

2008-11-05T17:59:00.000-08:00

Friends. I decided today that I have some really amazing people in my life. I was thinking about McCain and how he threw around the term “my friends” without really understanding the meaning behind those words.

I know what it feels like to be an army of one, someone who shoulders every storm all alone. I know this because I was that person. I endured through rough times without others to lean on because I had to. The feeling of coming home to an empty house and knowing that your phone won’t be ringing is something that I know very well, and it's something that I am determined never to feel again. I shut people and friends out of my life because a romantic relationship meant more to me at the time than anything else. I was wrong, because when that went sour I was there alone to pick up the pieces. This won’t be a mistake I make again. I have others in my life now because I have made them a priority. It is important to me, friendship.

I am not a teenager anymore and I don’t need a huge circle of friends, I don’t need to be popular and go out every night. The small group of friends that I have means the world to me and is more than enough. I have formed deep attachments to these people and will always be grateful for them and the time I spend with them. I would drop anything and bend over backwards to help these friends of mine if they are in need.

I won't waste my time hanging around people who don't value the time spent with me. Friendship is a two way street and I am lucky enough to have some great ones and those that aren't meant to be will fade away...

YES WE CAN!!!

2008-11-04T23:58:00.000-08:00

We have done it! I always said; “I believe in the good. Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, I believe in the good. I have to.” I am happy to be a believer in this mantra...and tonight I know that I am right. Good always triumphs over bad and the power of kindness can move people to tears.

I heard someone lash out in anger tonight over Obama’s victory. “He’s not the Messiah or the second fucking coming!” Well, that’s true. He’s not the Messiah and he’s not holier than thou or someone to be put upon a pedestal...but he is a role model. Someone who people can rally around, someone who can speak to this country and address our concerns. He is someone who can inspire others to reach for greatness, to doubt those who say we can’t change the world. For he knows that “yes we can”.

And in all honesty, isn’t the Savior, the Messiah, the Prophet, etc supposed to be someone who inspires greatness in others? Someone who teaches kindness, compassion and understanding. Someone who says “yes we can” to any dream? So, no he isn’t THE Savior, THE Messiah or THE Prophet but maybe if we are lucky he can be someone’s personal Savior or Messiah and be the person that inspires them to “pay it forward”.

CHANGE IS HERE:

I need to be a little more uncool...

2008-11-03T22:57:00.000-08:00

It was an introspective weekend. I spent a lot of time reconnecting with myself. I released a lot of emotions in the past 2 days, more than I have expressed in months, maybe even years. It’s like it was building up and I kept pushing it down, further and further until it couldn’t be pushed down any further. The littlest things upset me and I couldn’t control my emotions. It scared the crap out of me. I finally had to deal with everything I had been ignoring. I guess I always thought that by not stressing over the little things, not being upset by anything, going with the flow and not rocking the boat I would be happy. Well,...FAIL!

Turns out I need to just let it out. No matter what, big or small...just let it out. Otherwise I will end up with another weekend like this one. I talked to one of my favorite people and he told me to just be me. “The best times with you are the times when you are being grossly uncool. When you stumble to get words out, or when you speak incoherently just because your words are slower than your thoughts.” It made sense, listening to him speak this way about me and then he said all he needed to say; “When you walk into walls, trip over nothing and sing about pizza or when you make rude, insensitive sarcastic jokes about idiots that is when you are really being you. And it works.”

The Diary of Annie

2008-11-02T21:55:00.000-08:00

I watched Bridget Jones this weekend and it inspired me to keep my blog more up to date. If nothing else it will help to have something to go back to and reread in the future and see what I’ve learned and what I’ve overcome. I think I am going to try and just write at least one thing I learned, thought of, experienced or dreamed of each day. Or at least that is the plan. I could start each entry with an update on cigarettes smoked, drinks consumed and weight gained/lost like Bridget Jones, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want to see that tally, haha!

The Autumn of Annie

2008-10-05T17:58:00.001-07:00

Uuuuuuuuuuggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!

I am just going to do it! I am tired of being so cautious. I feel like I have spent my entire life playing it safe. Always making the safe decision and choosing the responsible route. It's not as though that has created a bad life for me, but it hasn't exactly turned out as I had hoped.

Although I have made tremendous strides lately, it just doesn't seem like I am stepping outside of my comfort zone enough to make an impact. I feel like I am still waiting for life to go my way, instead of making it go my way.

I suppose I have literally just had enough of it. I have no choice but to try something else, since this is not working. Thus, I have decided to begin the "Autumn of Annie". I will embark on doing the opposite of nearly everything that comes naturally to me. Since I am a creature of habit, and my usual actions have not produced the desired results, the opposite maybe the secret weapon I have been looking for! Maybe doing things differently than I always have will change me for the better.

ShutUp Braniac!

2008-10-01T19:57:00.000-07:00

The World will tell you who you are. Until you tell the world who you are....

I wish I could turn my filter off sometimes. I spend time with people who seem to have that ability, or maybe they simply lack a filter altogether. I don’t know for certain, but I know that they seem to have an easier time with things. It’s like they have a switch and they can turn their filter off when they want to. I truly wish that I could do that.

It’s the little voice that everyone has in their head, the one that tips you off to bad ideas and warns you when you are about to sound like an idiot. The problem is that my little voice isn’t so little, in fact, most of the time it is so loud that I can’t possibly ignore it. It’s there, constantly over analyzing every situation I find myself in. Scrutinizing each and every detail like one of the fancy gadgets they use on CSI.

Sometimes I just want to jump into things, fully participate in the activity I am engaging in. But, my filter kicks in and starts to present possible scenarios for disaster. Which of course hinders my ability to really just cut loose and throw caution to the wind. I guess maybe it’s a control issue. I fear losing control. I feel, for some reason unknown to me at this point, like I need to appear to have everything together, to be calm cool and collected at all times. It’s as though I feel like I will be disappointing someone if I don’t have it all together. But, what I can’t figure out is who I think I would be disappointing and why I care so much.

Basically, I simply want my brain to shut up and let me rest. Stop showing me ways that I might do something wrong, and stop alerting me to every awkward situation. Just let me experience every single second that life has to offer without the constant background noise of doubt. Just let me jump in and show the world who I am.

Welcome back Doogie...

2008-09-29T20:27:00.000-07:00

I bought a new laptop this weekend, and I decided that a good way to keep this blog up to date was to write a little something at the end of the day. Perhaps a bit of a tribute to the good old Doogie Howser, M.D. Days. [Cue voiceover]...

It’s been awhile since I wrote anything non work related, and I can feel that it is impacting my life in so many ways. I am not very good at expressing myself verbally, never have been. Thus writing was always the best way to release my thoughts and emotions. Most of the time there is very little creativity that goes into what I write, it is just writing to get the thoughts out of my head. Random thoughts, chaotic structure and incoherent musings at times. But, it is still the only way I know how to extract my feelings from within.

Sadly, I know that if I don’t express myself verbally at some point I will implode. That is the nature of my personality. I know this rationally, but emotionally there is little I can do to change it. I’ve worked so hard at changing my life over the past 2 years, but that is the one thing that has remained a constant, and perhaps the one thing that has gotten even worse. My ability to verbalize....or my inability.

I wish I knew a way to change this. It’s not as though I haven’t tried. Even in situations where I don’t feel threatened or afraid, I still struggle to bring the words to the surface. I hear them in my head, the words I want to say. The ideas I have running through my mind, the questions tugging at my brain...they are all there. Perfectly formed, well thought out and poetic in form. I just never seem to be able to get them to come out that way when I want them to.

The words come out eventually, but the actions that should follow those words, don't. Or vice versa, I have the actions down and the words don't follow. Never together, in sync. Why can't I get this right? It shouldn't be this hard, logically I know that. I have this fear that it will be my downfall, the one thing that keeps me from getting what I want.

What is it that I am so afraid of?

microwaves, photographs and memories...

2008-07-22T18:01:00.000-07:00

I am uploading pictures tonight from my trip home for the 4th of July. It seems like every picture has a back story, one that isn't told simply by looking at it. It's my story. The story told by the memories that flood back to me even when I look at a picture of the present. And this has got me thinking about how strange that is, that I can escape to my past so easily...

If I think about it, it only takes a moment to bring myself back into my childhood completely. I can close my eyes and be completely overcome with the memories of my youth. The aroma of my mom making chicken pot pies in the kitchen, the feeling of excitement about my father returning home after work in the evenings, my cold fingers because the house I grew up in had terrible insulation and it was consequently freezing all the time. I can hear my parents laughing with each other in the kitchen as I lie upstairs trying to sleep. I can remember the shag carpeting and the red and white wall paper that had seams that never quite matched up. If I keep my eyes closed long enough the memories begin to rush back to me at a rapid pace. Lemon pledge, burned toast, breakfast sausage, birthday parties, cut grass, fireplace embers and Christmas trees.

I can say that up to this point I truly have had an extraordinary life. Not because of the things I have done, but because of the things I have had. My childhood was so innocently perfect. I was loved, and I grew up feeling safe and never afraid. It was a good Midwestern childhood full of minivans and slumber parties.

And there in a picture of my mom in front of the microwave on July 5th 2008 I can see where it all began...

...and these are the Days of our Lives...

2008-07-17T18:41:00.000-07:00

It is not the strongest among us who survive. Nor is it the most intelligent. It is those among us who are the most adaptable to change. I don't remember who said this, but it has always struck me as being quite true.

It's sad really, but sometimes I think that we are all living a script of our own lives. It feels as though we cast people to play different roles throughout our lifetime. Everyone has their role, and as long as everyone keeps true to the part that has been cast for them, things go on as they always have. You laugh about the same things, fight about the same things, harbor all the same resentments, share the same memories, good and bad.

You know that feeling you get when you walk into someone's aura and you feel as though you've known that person your whole life, as if their energy is as familiar to you as the sound your refrigerator makes? I believe this happens when you step into someone else's script. It is as though this part was written for you long before you ever met, and you are just fulfilling destiny. You slip right in, make yourself comfortable and everything goes along just as it should...

But when one person starts to improvise, starts to write their own lines, the whole script has to be thrown out and the production closes down. Everyone else misses cues, there's an awkward silence, then chaos. You can't blame those around you for being upset when someone steps out of the role that was cast upon them. It is scary to have change forced upon you. When someone who has always been the quiet one suddenly speaks up or the outspoken one is mysteriously silent the entire cast is thrown off. The balance has shifted and the axis for your world and your production begins tilt the opposite direction.

If you're lucky, you all create a new production together. One that is based in the here and now, based on the true personalities of the cast. One based on honesty, one that's fluid and malleable to change. If you can allow those in your life to grow and change you can experience such new and exciting things. Things that are utterly unfamiliar, strange, new and electric. People can intrigue you like a mind binder, if you let them...if you adapt.

Adaptability is such an important part in our lives, maybe because through every good and bad action everything around us is altered irrevocably. We are changed by the things we experience. The big things, the small things have their impact and can't be undone. To judge those experiences, to hate the things that have happened to us, to hate those who have changed us is to hate who we've become because of them.

Another interesting thing about me...

2008-06-23T17:57:00.000-07:00

Ok, here is a little fact about me that only a select few know. I absolutely cannot watch the movie The Wedding Singer without crying.

It seems like most women cry during romantic movies, and perhaps if I had said that I cannot watch The Notebook, The Bodyguard, Ghost or Titanic without crying it would be a little more in line with the average woman.

I however, am not the average woman. This is something that I have come to realize in my life. I spent many years trying to be just like everyone else, trying to fit into that mold that I thought other people would want me to be. But the truth of the matter is, I am happy with whom I am and I don’t want to be just like everyone else.

If that means that I am the one person in the world who can’t sit through The Wedding Singer without crying at the end, well then that is just how it has to be and I am okay with that!

Lost or Found?

2008-06-09T18:15:00.001-07:00

Some of us are lost and some of us are found. This is something that I have been observing recently. Some people don't have that many questions and lack that belly of fire when it comes to their encounters with the world. They're content in their predictable lives, where everything that lies before them is like watching a rerun of some 1980's sitcom. They already know the answers and how everything will end up. They don't have the urge to travel or to ask the questions that boggle the mind: Who am I? Why am I here? Is this all there is? Instead there's a certainty about themselves and the world around them. In some ways I find this concept of reality comforting, but in other ways it terrifies me.

Other people are lost. Forever seeking answers. These are those people whose souls are tortured with philosophies and who ache to see the world. They question everything, even their own existence. They ask a lifetime of questions and are never satisfied with the answers because they don't recognize anyone as an authority to give them. They see life and the world as an enormous puzzle that they might one day be able to solve, if only they could collect enough pieces. The idea that they might never understand, that their questions might go unanswered until the day they die, almost never occurs to them. And when it does, it fills them with dread.

I realized that I am one of the lost ones. One of the seekers. I have to have answers because I have questions, and I don't think you can just go through life without answers, or at least without trying to get the answers. I want to see the world, and experience all the cultures on this Earth so badly I can feel it, I can taste it, I can even smell it. I want to get out there and take it all in, everything...

The world and love too...

2008-06-05T18:08:00.001-07:00

At times in my youth I was really hung up on the concept of "normal" people and how sad they were. I felt that most people were just zombies, sleepwalking through their lives, and would just die without ever leaving even a footprint on the planet. I felt sorry for them, and looked down on them in a way. I remember saying things about letting life take you where it wants to, and releasing control to stop the sameness...I honestly believed that your life would just end up amazingly interesting and fulfilling if you could just get away from what you knew.

I grew up in a city where no one ever left, they went to the same schools their parents did, got jobs that would earn a decent living, found someone they thought they loved, married and had children and took the same vacation every year. Over and over. Comfort and sameness and mind dulling boredom. During my younger, more idealistic years I just wanted to scream at everyone "Is this all? Isn't there another way to live?!?" I didn't want to be "normal". I felt like they had all decided to live this boring life and that they wanted nothing greater...

But what I've learned through the years is that most of those people I looked down on weren't stuck in something they disliked on purpose. I realized that most people are just trying to be happy, and that most of their actions, however misguided, are in line with that goal. Most people just want to feel they belong somewhere, want to be loved, and want to feel they're important to someone. I have noticed that I want these things too. If you really examine all the wrongheaded and messed-up things people do, things that I have done, it can most often be traced back to that basic desire.

And so here I am, thirty years old and certain that I was wrong when I made those assumptions in my youth, but no more aware of how to have the world and love too...

Will you become your parents?

2008-06-04T18:25:00.000-07:00

I was listening to someone standing in line in front of me at the store tonight drone on and on about how upset she is that she has "truly become" her mother to some poor soul on the other end of her cell phone. Which quickly turned into a emotional tirade against this woman's mother, who apparently is uncaring and judgmental and not to mention an "uncontrollable slut" (yes, this was the most AMAZING phone conversation I have ever had the pleasure of overhearing, haha). Anyway, as I left the store my mind was spinning, I wanted to explore this more...so of course I let my mind wander off and I decided that...

We are not our parents. We're not. You've probably heard all your life that the traits you've found so annoying in your mother or your father will eventually manifest themselves in you own personality. Maybe you even believe it. Personally, I think it's a ridiculous theory. It's a cop-out, something people tell themselves to feel better about not taking responsibility for their lives. Maybe if you go through your life without examining yourself, without dealing with your faults, without consciously deciding what to bring forward and what to leave behind, or if you can't take responsibility for your own inner happiness, then perhaps it is likely that you become the drunk, the abuser, the cold and distant judge your mother or father was...or maybe even an "uncontrollable slut" like your mother.

But I believe you have a choice. Again with the choices...God, I talk a lot about choices!!! But it is true, I believe we all choose our lives, that our existence is the sum of our choices-the little ones, the big ones. We don't always choose what happens to us, and we don't choose where we come from, but we do choose how we react to the events in our lives. We choose to be destroyed or to grow wiser.

Nietzsche said, "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger." I cling too this philosophy; I need to believe it.

Lost in Wonder

2008-05-27T16:56:00.000-07:00

So I was having a nice enjoyable meal this weekend when my friend startles me out of my IHOP induced daze and asks "hello? where are you?". Of course at first I was confused by his silly question as I looked at him across the table. Until I realized that he was generally perturbed by my behavior. I think in some way I offended him, and of course that was unintended. I simply was lost in my mind for a minute, instead of forcing myself to continue a conversation simply for the sake of talking. I often do this...separate myself from the dullness of the mundane by entertaining myself with my own thoughts. Apparently, this is strange to some people. Thus, this has prompted me to question where I sometimes wonder off to... what exactly causes the distance between myself and those around me.

Maybe it's because I am the one who always stands just apart, observing. In enough to belong, out enough to really see. Maybe some people sense that about me, sense the distance I unconsciously keep. Unfortunately, I think it's more likely that most people don't sense that...they simply think I am aloof and uncaring, unattached to the present.

The problem is that I am the complete opposite of what most people think. I care too much and I am too aware of everything. I wish sometimes that people could read my mind and see for a minute what it is like. I wonder about things, about people, about everything...ALL the time. It's the observer in me. Let me try and explain:

If I walk into a crowded restaurant I am surrounded by a cacophony of voices and clinking silverware. Strong aromas compete for attention: sometimes it's coffee, eggs and bacon, the sugary smell of pastries. My stomach rumbles and I begin to scan the room. Questions move through my brain rapid-fire, I'm barely even aware of them.

Then for a moment I am lost, lost within myself...wondering about people. Who are they? Are they kind or cruel, happy or sad? What problems are they facing and how can I solve them? What causes them to act rudely to the waitress or polite? Where will they go when they leave this place? Who will get married in the next week? Who will live to be a hundred? Who loves his wife and family? Who's going to win the lottery? Who is going to find out they are pregnant? Who is wondering about me at this very moment?

I can exhaust myself with my own inner catalog of questions and possible answers. I think that's why I have always loved to write (although I lack the natural graces and talents that many writers I know possess. For me it is simply an outlet). Reading and writing, ahh the symbols of my misspent youth. Anyway...

This is a part of me, a quirk of my personality. I guard this secret carefully to most and thus it comes off as distance. I really am not trying to be distant, and I am truly present in the situation...I simply wander in wonder for a moment. Honestly, I wonder about those I am with too. I wonder what is behind their eyes that they are afraid to share with others, I wonder what they want most out of life and most of all I wonder what they love with their whole hearts.

The problem with this is that these are questions that run through my head, and my head only. For rarely do they ever make it to my mouth, which ruins any chance I have of real conversation. This is something I am trying to work on...my connections in the everyday with those I love and care for. It is a goal I have, to honestly be myself and become an active participant instead of a silent observer.

Ugh, why do I have to be such an introvert?!?

My memory haunts...

2008-05-24T13:42:00.000-07:00

A memory haunting can be a subtle thing. It’s not flying dishes and bleeding walls. Nor is it a mournful moaning down a dark, stone hallway like in the movies. Yet, memories can haunt the same way ghosts can. If you believe in ghosts that is.

A memory haunting can come upon you, overcome your soul completely and then leave within minutes. It can be odors and shades of light, a nebulously familiar form in a photograph, the glimpse of a face in a crowd. These nuances, these moments are no less horrifying than the hauntings of a supernatural nature. They strike the same blow to the solar plexus; trace the same cold finger down your spine.

That’s when you smell it. The slightest scent in the air and it makes your heart thump. Whatever the alchemy of the memory, it is there and it can be nothing else. And you stand there with your nose in the air, your limbs frozen, and you take in the scent. The memory flashes over you, unmistakable, unforgettable. You listen hard to the silence. A sound, soft and rhythmic, calls to you where you stand. Your breathing is deep and there is a slight shake in your hands from adrenaline. It’s not a fainting or swooning. It’s more like a short circuit. Too much awful imput, too many terrified and confused thoughts, and poof! White spots bloom before your eyes, a sickening fireworks display and then it’s gone. Over just like that.

Sometimes I think it’s not the memories themselves but the dark spaces where they might reside that are the most frightening. It fills me with confusion and apprehension. I approach certain spaces with a kind of reluctance, a turning away, wanting to cover my eyes like I might if watching a horror movie by myself at night. Hoping that particular memory scent won’t be triggered again.

But, I have to tell you that every time this happens to me I experience something beautiful in the end. Without fail within seconds of the memory leaving me breathless I am filled with this overwhelming sense of comfort and love as if someone is protecting me and “hugging” me. I liken it to something of a guardian angel, someone who is comforting me after the storm, and guiding me to the peaceful serenity. This sounds crazy, I know…but I do believe in guardian angels and I will speak about that in more detail soon. But, this much is certain my guardian angel comes with its own scent…a distinct aroma of lavender.

Purpose

2008-05-23T18:26:00.000-07:00

If you remember, I told you that I am a knowledge seeker. I am on a never ending quest to find out all I can about how I should be fulfilling my so called “purpose” in life. Sadly, I have yet to find my purpose…although I suppose that is why I am on the quest to begin with. If I knew my purpose I would be fulfilling it instead of seeking it. Make sense?

Honestly, I just want to know that none of this is pointless. I want to know that we don’t just meander our way through our lives only to lose one person after another before finally ending our journey too. There has to be some point to it all, and I have always devoured history, sociology and anthropology sources at a rapid pace looking for answers within our pasts and cultures.

Anyway, lately I’ve been attracted to learning about other subjects. Not just cultural and historical, but things that have other meanings as well. I want to explore things that have real meaning. I’ve found myself interested in survivors, people who have faced extraordinary circumstances and not just lived to tell it, but gone on to create greater purpose in their lives. I am fascinated by human endurance, by the capacity some people seem to have to turn tragedy into victory. Imagine that.

The defining feature I have found in the survivors from the stories I have been reading has been defiance. A dare to the Universe to try and take them down again. A refusal to cower, to surrender, even when the world have revealed all its ugliness and horror.

I imagine that sometimes I've seen that kind of defiance in my own reflection, though I am certain it is just wishful thinking. But, perhaps I am learning...

April Showers 2.0

2008-05-18T11:37:00.000-07:00

So, I finally got some pictures from when they were filming the movie "April Showers" at my house. My brother took these, because remember my camera is busted :(

They posted these flyers all around the neighborhood. Nice.

Here are the giant lights they put up in both neighbors yards. It was supposed to make it daylight or sunset, or something like that. But, it was actually 3 o'clock in the morning. I am sure the neighbors loved that!

They even brought the trolley and everything! They were filming a "freak out" scene in the bathroom there. This kid has an episode and freaks out and breaks out the mirror (not the real one, hahah) and then he is all bloody. The bathroom is right below my parents bathroom and apparently rule number one when filming a movie...don't flush the toilet. Lesson learned.

Here is a sampling of just some of the stuff they brought. They had so much stuff. Their trailers and trucks were lined up and down the street. Insane!

Here is another shot of the "sunshine", this time it was in our backyard. Again, the lights were supposed to make it daytime or sunset. No one seemed to be too sure about what time of day the scene was taking place. LOL

This is what they made the family room look like. Only the couch and the TV are ours. They wanted it to look like a hippie pad (even though I don't think it worked all that well. I mean, it just looked like some teenagers took over their parents basement, hahah). Doug's senior photo got to stay on the wall, because it was supposedly out of the shot. They took down mine and Neil's.

These are just some of the extras hanging out in the garage. It was about 4 in the morning and only 40 degrees! Brrrrrr

Overall, it was amazing! My cousin Bryan has a part in the movie and actually has 36 lines with none other than Tom Arnold...yes 36 whole lines. I can't wait to see the movie.

Ahh Synchronicity, How Serendipitous!

2008-05-15T17:11:00.000-07:00

I think I need to make it known that I always loved the works of Carl Jung. His theories on life, and the series of events that take place during the course of our lives...it has always fascinated me. I believe in Jung's theory of Synchronicity, or "meaningful coincidences" with my whole heart. God, I think I must have referenced "Synchronicity — An Acausal Connecting Principle" over 100 times in papers throughout college. I used to fantasize about being a Jung scholar and enlightening the world with his school of thought.

Thankfully, my belief in Jung's theories has proven to be true time and time again long since the days of college. The real world has shown itself to be the most magnificent test subject imaginable. And I have recently fallen back in love with the concept of Synchronicity...

Hope is good. Without it, well, you do the math. But hope has to be like a prayer. Putting it out there to something more powerful than yourself. If the last few years have taught me anything, it’s this: We don’t have control, we have choices (as I mentioned before). The little ones, the big ones, these are the points on which our lives pitch and pivot. All we can do is make the best choices we can with what we know, and hope that things turn out the way we want.

Just think about all the choices in our lives and all the connections we make through our choices. The stranger, the anonymous passerby. The man walking in the rain on the street after 3 a.m., long after the bars have closed. The sound of drums playing through your apartment wall. The homeless man “selling” soda on the street corner. The old woman next to you in line at the Post Office. Disconnected from your life but joined to you by a single moment in time. All the choices and events of their lives and the choices and events in your life have led you to be in the exact same place at the exact same time. Think about it.

Synchronicity. Fate. Destiny. Call it what you will, but it all comes down to something greater than us. Something we don't fully understand. But, in some way we are connected to those in our lives through the choices we make, the meaningful coincidences we experience and through the hope that those things will lead us to someplace wonderful. Hope…

Regrets

2008-05-14T18:32:00.000-07:00

I don't believe in mistakes. Never have. I believe that there are a multitude of paths before us and it's just a matter of which way we walk home. I don't believe in regret. If you regret things about your life, then I'll bet you're not paying attention. Regret is just imagining that you know what would have happened if you had gone to college in Nebraska, stayed with your high school sweetheart or just looked one more time before you turned right at that stop light...or didn't. But you don't know; you can't possibly know.

I can spend a lot of time dwelling on the paths I didn't take and wonder what may have been if I hadn't made the choices I made...but no matter how hard you try, you can't control everything.

The Heartland

2008-05-08T19:17:00.001-07:00

I am going home tomorrow. To spend the weekend with my family, celebrate Mother's Day and my aunts 50th birthday. It's always strange going home. No matter what, Omaha will always be home to me. Omaha and the Midwest in general had a large hand in molding me into who I am now, in combination with the people who were central figures in my life. Somehow in my mind Omaha has become an iconic symbol of a simpler time. Frozen forever in my memory, unable to grow and mature with the passing of time.

It's funny how the titans in our lives, the people who have the most influence over our childhoods, over the people we become, never seem like people, flawed and separate from us. They're like archetypes, The Mother, The Father, The Grandma, existing only as characters in the movie of our lives.

This is always how I feel when I return to Omaha. Like I am watching a movie about my life. Even though I am grown now, and those who shaped me have aged as well...it's as though as soon as the plane touches down in the Heartland of America...I am instantly 12 years old again.

How many really care?

2008-05-07T19:36:00.000-07:00

The past few days I have been really contemplative. I am not sure why, I just seem to be lost in my head. I've been thinking a lot about the people in my life. Those who are here now, and those who have drifted out of my life for some reason or another. And I've been stuck thinking about those I care about now, compared to those I have cared about in the past...and what is to become of everything in the future.

I wonder how many people you can claim truly care about you? I mean, not just the people in your life who are fun to hang out with, not just the people who you love and trust. But people who feel good when you are happy and successful, feel bad when you are hurt or going through a hard time, people who would walk away from their own lives for a little while to help you with yours. Not many. When I have felt this way about someone in the past, I've never been sure how to handle it. Because there's another side to it, you know. When someone is invested in your life, your well-being, like your parents for example, you become responsible for them in a way. Anything you do to hurt yourself hurts them.

Anyway, I have found that lately I am finding myself caring, and I mean truly caring about those in my life in a way that I haven't before. And I enjoy the feeling of warmth that comes from this responsibility and from investing my emotions, my trust and my faith in others.

This is huge!!!

Superhero

2008-05-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

I’ve been thinking a lot about my brother lately. With his move to Las Vegas, and leaving our world in Omaha behind for good. It’s true what they say about you never being able to go home again. I realize that I was always relying on him being there, as my safety net. I knew that if things got to be where I just couldn’t handle them anymore; there was always Omaha to go to, because Neil was there. Because he has always had this way of making everything better.

He is older than I am by 18 months and growing up he was the very embodiment of coolness to me. If you had told me that he got up five minutes before me and put the sun in the sky, I’d have believed you. He was a superhero in my eyes. With just a few magic words he could make me feel ten feet tall and bulletproof, he could slay the dragons of doubt and worry and could make my problems disappear.

I remember that as children, our bedrooms had been right across the hallway from one another. And when I woke in the night, frightened from dreams or thirsty or just lonely, it was Neil that I went to. I remember his bedroom was decorated with Pac-Man wallpaper and that he had a matching comforter. Oh how badly I wanted to trade my Strawberry Shortcake décor for the cool Pac-Man.

I keep a picture of my brother and me as kids on my desk. And as I pick it up and look at it now I remember the easy days like that when we were young together. I remember walks and birthday parties, vacations and family get togethers where there was no dark specter of life circumstances shadowing our happiness.

And now, as adults, I still wish I could feel the way I used to. I wish I could be as easily comforted by one simple talk or gesture from my protector, my brother. I wish that there was a way that I could make everything okay for him with the blink of an eye the way he used to for me. If I could wish upon a star, I would wish that I could someday repay the favor…and return the world to the yellow light of Saturday mornings and Coco Crisp cereal for him.

Kindness

2008-04-28T19:02:00.000-07:00

I'll tell you something about myself. I can get my head turned by a good-looking guy as much as the next girl. But sexy doesn't impress me. Smart impresses me; strength of character impresses me. But most of all, I'm impressed by kindness. Kindness, I think, comes from learning hard lessons well, from falling and picking yourself up. It comes from surviving failure and loss. It implies an understanding of the human condition, forgives its many flaws and quirks. When I see that in someone, it fills me with love.

Moving on....

2008-04-27T17:58:00.000-07:00

I am in a state of shock...a good kind of shock. I came to a realization today that made me proud of myself. I have completely changed my life and I couldn't be happier about it. I have no doubt that I have healed as much as I ever will, and I am ready to start living again...

I went back to St. Peter's today. To see my students put on a production of "Grease". I have avoided going back there all year, I just couldn't let myself go back there. It was as if in my mind, going back there symbolized returning to a time in my life that I didn't want to relive.

You have to understand that my time spent at St. Peter's coincided with the worst time in my life, personally. Every single aspect of my life that I had known and understood up to that point vanished, there was not one part of my life that remained the same, and I was lost. I was a mess...an emotional wreck. I woke each morning uncertain I had the strength to make it through the day, it wasn't as if I could go to my desk and hide behind a computer all day. Instead, I had to stand in front of 30 middle school kids 7 periods a day. I had to pull it together, and maintain a strong front that I wasn't sure I was capable of doing. I was constantly trying to balance my personal hell with my professional life, and I was afraid I was losing that battle. Yet somehow I not only survived, by thrived and managed to somehow inspire.

I think it was a blessing in many ways. Because knowing that those kids were at an age where their hormones were making them far more vunerable and unstable than I was, gave me this kind of stability that I both craved and needed. I knew that I had to be an example, someone they could count on...as so many of them had no one in their lives. It turns out that those few middle school kids that touched my heart that school year, actually saved my life.

I let those kids rely on me, trust in me, and in turn it gave me strength to rebuild my life. I never knew that I had given those kids as much as I believed they had given me. I always credited them with teaching me, and hoped that someday they would remember me fondly. But, I had little faith that they actually would...then...today happened.

I walked into the gym, pretty much paralyzed by fear. I mean this was the place that I had decided to leave behind, this was the place that symbolized the life I used to have but no longer do. It was just frightening...then I felt a tap on my shoulder and it was one of my former students, who said "hi, where have you been?" and he reached in for a hug. Within seconds I was surrounded by students all yelling "hi", "I miss you", "why haven't you come to see us sooner?", "I love you"...all these warm wishes from students who I was convinced had forgotten me or at the very least wouldn't stop to say hello. But instead it was one warm wish and reunion after another.

And to see that I had a lasting impact on these students lives and that I will forever be memorialized within their adolescence, I am honored. I am touched. I even had one student tell me that this year was no fun, and she wasn't learning anything. While another told me that they are reading the same novel in high school that I made them read last year, and thus she is getting an 'A' and couldn't be happier.

I guess these aren't big moments to others, and some might think that it cements the fact that I should go back to teaching. But that isn't what I learned today...instead I feel that I learned the opposite.

I feel like I have made my impact, I left my mark so to speak on that world...and I am more than happy to move on. A new chapter, that I can finally start. Because I am finally content with closing this chapter. I am not sure that I was really ready to let go of that year...but seeing all those faces embracing me...still loving and caring for me, even though they had grown and moved on...made me realize that it was time for me to do the same.

And so I am ready. As I drove back toward town today, approaching the skyline of downtown Orlando I smiled...my heart smiled...as I knew that I was finally home. I had made my memory, I had made it through that time and learned that I am ready to do all it takes to live my life now. I am ready to jump in to any and everything now with my whole heart. Finally!!!

April Showers

2008-04-21T18:36:00.001-07:00

Guess what?!? They are filming a movie in Omaha next month...and my parent's house is going to be in it! Seriously, they came to the house while my brother was there wanting to take pictures and see the layout of the house and then they sent the info back to the people in California. My brother and everyone just assumed that was that and we would never hear from them again.

But...they decided to use the house! They are going to film a few scenes in the house in May or June. This is exciting, or at least I think it is! The name of the movie is "April Showers" and you can visit their myspace page at http://www.myspace.com/aprilshowersmovie

The fear of God

2008-04-20T16:42:00.000-07:00

Why is it that the most judgmental people I know are those who proclaim to be living their life for God? It seems that the more someone spews the "word of the Lord" the less decent they become. How is it that someone can genuinely believe themselves to be better than me simply because they wake every Sunday morning and go to worship in a building with 100's of others, being told what to believe, what to say, how to act and who to accept? I wish someone could explain to me how it can be that they are going to be ushered into the gates of heaven while the rest of us are turned away? This seems like it would be a very unjust thing for this loving God of theirs to do. And it seems frightening and dark, this outlook on the world. This belief that being different means that you are beneath them. Even though as I said, some of the most ruthless, judgmental and cruel hearted individuals that I have had the misfortune of meeting in my lifetime have always claimed to be "self respecting, God fearing Christians".

Does it not bother anyone else, that term..."God fearing"? Why on earth would I want to willingly join a community of people who fear God? And who live their lives to please something or someone that in the end will ultimately be judging them to see if they meet the requirements for entrance into the heavens? These requirements apparently have very little to do with compassion, understanding, forgiveness and acceptance...but instead have to do with conformity, self righteousness and hatred.

Maybe I just didn't understand my studies of history, (which would be a shocker considering I taught history for several years, lol) but I really never thought that the teachings of Jesus, Moses or Mohammad were meant to scare people into acting one way and only one way. One way that would completely deter them from accepting any contrary point of view. How is it that this egocentric belief system originated from teachings about men who spoke of love and understanding, and wanting to bring people together has basically divided the entire world, for centuries. How insane is this??? And so insane is it that people are willing to die and or kill others in the name of this pursuit?

I have thought all day about this...and decided that it comes down to character. I believe the character of a person outweighs almost anything else. I won't say that the religiously devout are weak minded or uneducated, because they aren't. I understand the desire to have something to hold on to, a belief in something bigger than ourselves. Something to gather strength from in tough times. I value all those reasons. And for those who find comfort in religion I applaud you, and I wish you well. It those who hide behind religion that I dislike, and those who cloud hate behind devotion.

Basically, it comes down to your character not your dedication to your religion. If you live your life the best you know how, and you treat others with kindness and respect you won't have to worry about who is there judging you in the end because it won't matter. You will have already lived your life.

The coolest thing I found this year...so far...

2008-04-19T16:14:00.000-07:00

The greatest thing just happened...okay, maybe not THE greatest, but it was still pretty awesome. If you know me, then you know that I wear contacts as I am basically blind...and I am forever fighting a war with my contacts. I hate them! They always hurt and I am never satisfied with any of them.

Now, I have always worn FreshLook contacts, but a few weeks ago when I was going to order my contacts I just happened to see that commercial where the girl is swooshing down the ski slopes and all the sudden she can no longer ski because her contacts are bothering her. So of course her best friend knows exactly what she needs...Acuvue Hydroclear contacts, right?!? This commercial while being extremely cheesy, is apparently very influential subconsciously. Because next thing I know I have ordered those contacts.

I honestly didn't even remember ordering those until they showed up in the mail today. At first I was pissed because they aren't my normal contacts and of course now I was going to have to send them back and bitch and all that. Well...I remembered the commercial again, dammit! Soooo, I tried a pair on and...holy comfort batman!

I am not kidding, and I promise I am not getting paid to write this...although that would be hilarious giving who I work for, lol. Anyway...I just had to share this because this is like the most awesome product I have found since the Swiffer (which is definitely entitled to its own post praising its gloriness).

20 songs that never get old...

2008-04-17T17:35:00.000-07:00

I decided that I cannot answer that question. It is simply too complicated and involved to sum up with one song! Thus, in an attempt to still answer the question that was raised, I have a plan. I am going to list 20 of the songs that I have NEVER gotten tired of, the songs that I can listen to on repeat all day (some are old and some are new), and this is somewhat of an eclectic list...(this should count as an answer, right?)

So here we go:
1. Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles
2. God Only Knows - The Beach Boys
3. Cortez the Killer - Neil Young (although I will listen to Built to Spill cover this song anytime as well)
4. Can't buy me Love - The Beatles
5. Start Choppin - Dinosaur Jr.
6. Willing to Wait - Sebadoh
7. Shitstorm - Jonny Polonsky
8. Elsinore - The Essex Green
9. Lie for a Lie - Built to Spill
10. Wasted - Pinback
11. Australia - The Shins
12. Girlfriend is Better - The Talking Heads
13. Into the Mystic - Van Morrison
14. You or Your Memory - The Mountain Goats
15. The Ballad of Peter Pumpkinhead - XTC (First solo road trip memory forever associated with this track!!!)
16. Even the Oxen - Jonny Polonsky
17. Baby I'm Yours - Math & Physics Club
18. Wave of Mutilation - The Pixies
19. Moonshadow - Cat Stevens
20. Whir - The Smashing Pumpkins

My favorite song of all time...

2008-04-16T17:15:00.000-07:00

I was prompted to reveal my favorite song of all time today. I thought about it literally all day, it tortured me, nagging at me every second. Why couldn't I just say hands down what my favorite song is? I'll tell you why, because I find it to be one of the world's most difficult questions. I face this same issue when someone asks me what my favorite band is, or my favorite album.

I mean so many factors play into a decision like that...are we talking about the album I think is most influential on the history of pop? Or maybe the album that means the most personally to me? And what about the band that started a musical revolution and changed everything forever? Or the other band that started the next musical revolution, forever changing the course of musical history, again! Not to mention that we could be talking about the album that I think has the most memorizing melodies or the catchiest hooks, or the most beautifully thoughtful lyrics, or simply the album that I judge to be the most fun of all time? Now you see my problem...as this is how I approach these questions.

I mean seriously, how do I even begin to answer this question? Honestly, my head is swimming and I have so many things I want to say on this topic, jeesh. I need to stop and think...

My dream man???

2008-04-15T21:01:00.000-07:00

I have been having this reoccurring dream. I meet this man by chance in a place that I am unfamiliar with (or perhaps I just can't recognize it once I wake)...and this man and I have an amazing conversation. Its as though we immediately connect and he understands exactly what I am saying, even though it appears to me that I am not really saying much of great intellect or importance. As we talk I am drawn in closer and closer to this man, to the point where I can almost make out who he is, and then I wake up.

Every single time this is how it ends, we are always talking, and having amazing conversations...and then right when I get to the point where I am about to figure out who he is, I wake up!

What in the world does this mean? This confuses me to no end, and I am obsessed with figuring out the meaning behind this dream. I have had this same dream, or variations of it for the past 2 months!

I miss you Midwest

2008-04-14T20:50:00.000-07:00

Someone was burning a fire in their fireplace as I walked into my apartment tonight. Instantly I was transported back to the Midwestern autumns of my youth. The crackling of the leaves beneath your feet as you walked on the sidewalk, the smell of someone burning the leaves that they had spent all day raking up, and the promise of the first snowfall not too far away. Oh how I miss the seasons. It is actually spring here, although you would not know it except for the fact that the past two days have actually been below 80 degrees. I miss that feeling of rebirth when spring would appear. It was as though all was erased and you had a fresh start...like each season came and washed you clean of all your past mistakes. The purity of new life.

A sailor suit?!?

2008-04-10T19:26:00.000-07:00

Well, it's official. My parents have completely given up on the 3 of us children ever producing grandchildren...and so they have found a replacement. My dog, Gertie.

I had Gertie staying with my parents for awhile because I was busy and my parents are retired and were more than willing to watch her. The situation has gone a little bonkers.

My dad can't go anywhere without Gertie, he went to pick up some McDonald's the other day and she went with him. They bought her a little stroller to push her around town in, because she has a bit of social anxiety. They talk baby talk to her and spoil her beyond control. This is all well and very sweet...

However, I knew I had lost my dog to my father forever when she wore the "sailor suit" on the boat. Gertie and my dad boat together and that sealed the deal forever!

***it's actually the cutest thing you will ever see, the way this man loves Gertie, soooo cute :)

It's really become a problem...

2008-04-01T17:19:00.000-07:00

So my addiction...

Um yeah, it's really become a serious problem. I spent 4 years spewing my mouth off about how retarded this was...and now here I am participating in the madness!

Why oh why can't I just stop? The drama, the disfunctionality, the love triangles...damn I love it.

I think it is that damn comic book reading, indie music loving, video game playing, neurotic character of Seth Cohen that has me hooked! I am way too old to be watching this crap...but I am hooked.

Yep, officially an OC junkie. DAMN

This year...

2008-03-27T18:22:00.000-07:00

I think that I have had a pretty positive outlook on this year so far...and it hasn't been too bad at all. I have to say that I am actually satisfied with a lot of things in my life for the first time in a long time.

I am able to live my life for entirely for myself and I don't have to answer to anyone but myself. It is a little sad that I am just experiencing this now, and not a decade ago...but alas I am getting there :)

My job might not pay me an executive salary and I may not live in a house in the suburbs. But, I don't miss those things anymore...I have what I need and most of what I want. I can sit in my apartment and say that it is mine and I love that.

There are so many things that make me smile when I think about this year in comparison to where I have been and it really is amazing and I can only hope that it continues to feel this way...

Comfort in misery?

2008-03-26T17:02:00.000-07:00

Is it really that much better being unhappy and unsatisfied in a relationship than alone? I have been noticing a lot of this lately (as evident in my previous posts)...

More specifically, my friend. She has been together with the same man forever it seems, and yet she hates nearly every aspect of their relationship. But she likes her "life". She likes her house, her standing amongst her "friends", basically she likes the life he has provided for her. But, she does not like him.

I DO NOT understand this mentality. At all. Sure, more than anyone I understand the fear of the unknown and the miserable nature of change...but this???

I just don't get it.

Why do I find this so funny?

2008-03-16T18:38:00.000-07:00

This video is hilarious. I know this kid is only 16 or 17, but he is pretty funny. For the most part a lot of what he does is over the top and somewhat obnoxious, but that is mostly due to his age and the fact that he really hasn’t had time to mature into his comedy style yet. But, nonetheless this video is awesome!

A little Seger and some wine...

2008-03-12T18:14:00.000-07:00

So, sometimes I get in a funk. I don't really feel like going out and I would be more than happy not to talk to anyone for the night. I'm not 21 anymore and I certainly don't get down on myself if I don't go out on a Saturday night. And since I have officially retired myself from shitty first dates, I am able to say that I enjoy a little time to myself. And a little Bob Seger and a bottle of wine don't hurt either. hahahahah

Gettin' my fix...

2008-03-11T19:22:00.000-07:00

Remember my new found addiction that I addressed a little while ago? Yeah, it still has a hold on me. It is becoming more and more embarrassing, and I can’t believe it is happening to me. When I find myself engaging in this guilty pleasure of all guilty pleasures I am mortified. How can this be something that I am partaking in willingly? I have always been so against this very thing…and yet here I am enjoying myself so very much!

MJ on XM Radio!

2008-03-07T17:47:00.000-08:00

Holy Excitement Batman!

I just found out that XM radio has a commemorative channel dedicated entirely to Michael Jackson's Thriller!!! It is only on air for the month of March, to coincide with the release of the new Thriller, but it is Michael Jackson 24 hours a day. This is ridiculously fabulous! Channel 63.

Is it inevitable?

2008-03-06T16:56:00.000-08:00

When my brother was in town he kept pointing out the most unhappy looking people, mainly couples. And since then I have not been able to stop noticing that they are everywhere. The exact thing I never want to be. I saw a couple tonight having dinner and they never said more than 2 words to each other, and the man was on his blackberry most of the time. The wife/girlfriend just looked around like she was bored out of her mind and never once did they look at each other. Ugh.

Thriller oh Thriller

2008-03-04T20:34:00.000-08:00

Michael Jackson re-released Thriller this month! I realize that the man himself is beyond bizarre, and that is hard to look past. However, the man does know how to deliver a killer pop song.

I talk a lot about Brian Wilson and his influence on pop music…but I must say that I personally credit Michael Jackson to a lot of what is going on with the current generation of pop and R&B. Not to mention the fact that he basically single handedly started the concept of theatrical music videos. It’s not all a good thing of course, as I also credit MJ for the origin of commercial superstars, through world tours, product endorsements and all the evil that comes along with making an artist a “brand”. That being said, I don’t think Justin Timberlake would ever have been “bringing sexy back” if Michael Jackson had never released Thriller and changed pop music forever.

Or maybe I am just bias because I did a dance to “Thriller” in a dance recital and still remember each and every move and “Remember the Time” was my middle school graduation song!?! hahah

Thus, I am declaring the album of the week “Thriller” with a special long distance dedication: “Wanna be Starting Something” (which I have listened to at least 6 times today). So, I leave you with a few words of wisdom:

“Lift your head up high
and scream out to the world:
I know I am someone,
and let the truth unfurl.
No one can hurt you now
because you know what's true.
Yes, I believe in me
so you believe in you.
Help me sing it:
Ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa,
ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma coo sa.”

Izea Beatbox

2008-03-01T18:53:00.000-08:00

So, they did something "fun" at work today...and here is the result.

A Realistic Idealist?

2008-02-26T20:44:00.000-08:00

I think that ultimately my problem is that I care too much about other people. I just want to help everyone, all the time. I hate to see someone else having a rough time…experiencing any pain whatsoever. And I get depressed when I realize that 99% of the population feels the exact opposite of me. They would rather step on someone than help them up. I think that I have a conflict inside me all the time. I can be coldly rational, sadly a realist who knows that things are the way they are, period. But, I fiercely want things to be different; I want to think that I can still be that idealist who believes that they can change the world. Those two things are at odds with each other within me everyday. I don’t know how to change these things…I mean how can someone be a sad realist with an idealist heart?!?!?!?

Ladies Night

2008-02-22T18:33:00.000-08:00

I have been having difficulty lately trying to understand the appeal of places like Chillers. I have always fiercely hated places like that, where it seemed like the entire purpose of the place was to cram as many women into the place as possible…to lure them in with 2 for 1 specials or ladies night. While the concept of drinking on the cheap is in fact alluring…I look around at the male population of the place on ladies night and it is enough to make me want to vomit.

Dear Nora

2008-02-19T17:27:00.000-08:00

I went to see Dear Nora at Back Booth last night. (Yep 2 nights at Back Booth in the same week, I know.) Aside from the fact that Katy Davidson was great, what I really loved about the show was the crowd. There is something about seeing a show on a weeknight that is so peaceful...no one is there to be "seen" and that makes the show so much more enjoyable. Nothing is more annoying to me than the scenesters who hang around Back Booth and The Social going from show to show with no real knowledge of the artists. Who cares where you are seen? I wish I could just let these kids know that they aren't cool and that's ok, no one is "cool".

Neil and Mike Dunn

2008-02-18T17:49:00.000-08:00

So, Neil has gone home :(

Man, I miss him already. We had a good time, and I am glad that he was able to come visit. Although nothing that I had planned actually happened. We did not get to the coast, we did not find that quiet peaceful old Floridian town, we did not get to Disney...in fact we did absolutely nothing that I had planned. Yet, when he left he said that this trip was awesome, and exactly what he needed. Thankfully!

Let's see:

Friday I worked and our parents picked him up from the airport and took him up to Mt. Dora. I guess he wanted to go out on the boat for a bit, so they did...and apparently Neil and Dad started drinking at about noon. Remember I am work and do not know that he is already drinking. So, around 7 he gets dropped off at my apartment and I am already to go out. Jenn is already on her way...I mean Mike Dunn is playing at Back Booth, it's on! Poor kid is ready to pass out for the night, too much sun and too much beer. But, being the trooper that he is, he pulls it together and we head downtown. From there the craziness ensued. Mike Dunn shows are always a blast for me...and I was happy to share one with Neil. Somehow that night Neil single-handedly solved my stalker problem and made Jenn realize that she is going to marry him! Overall, it was an amazing night.

Junkie

2008-02-12T18:38:00.000-08:00

So, I have become a junkie. I seem to have found the most embarrassing of fixes. I am not ready to admit just what this new addiction of mine is…but if there was a way to bring it from fantasy to reality I would be in a world of trouble.

Ham & Swiss = Poor

2008-02-07T19:04:00.000-08:00

I realized today that I have been throwing money away. Every day I go out to eat with friends from work, and while that act alone is causing me to spend more money than I really should, the real problem is that I essentially eat the same thing everyday! I came to realize that if I am going to eat a ham & swiss sandwich every place I go, I could just as easily make myself a sandwich to bring to work and save myself the $7-$10 a day. Not to mention the damn coffee I need everyday at 3:30. This has really become a problem for me and I need to fix it. Yet I can’t…I appear to have a serious weakness for hot ham & swiss! Ugh.

Neil is coming, Neil is Coming!

2008-02-04T18:41:00.000-08:00

My brother is coming to visit!!! I am so excited about hanging out with him, its retarded. It has been a horrible winter in Omaha this year, and he says it hasn’t been above 20 degrees in the past month. Plus, he has been really stressed with the potential new job offer and living arrangement, that he could use a break. I plan on taking him to see some really quiet “old Florida” type of place. Although I don’t know of anyplace that can match the image I have in my head and I will have to ask someone for a recommendation.

Why?

2008-01-30T18:22:00.000-08:00

I will never understand people. I think ultimately the problem is that my expectations for people are way too high. I always expect people to do the right thing, I think because I know that I would do the right thing…and yet it is a rare time when they do. I simply will never be alright with maliciousness or mean behavior just for the sake of being mean. I am sarcastic, this is true…but I would never intentionally hurt someone. Or leave someone out on purpose. I hate to see someone hurt or upset, and to know that it wasn’t an accident that caused it. It was just someone being an asshole. Knowing that people always forget that what actions AND words have lasting impacts. I don’t know, it just bothers me. It seems like the older I get the more it feels like everyone else is still “living” in middle school.

That Indie Chick

2008-01-15T23:01:00.000-08:00

I always wanted to be this different, quirky Indie girl…one of those people who you wonder about. I thought this would be interesting, to live my life as one of those girls. But it turns out that I just like Indie music. Ehh.

Goodbye LiveJournal

2008-01-12T19:35:00.000-08:00

I had a livejournal account for a long time. And man was that depressing. I recently went back and reread some of my entries from 2006-early 2007 and that was terrible. I decided to close down my LJ forever and started this blog. It will undoubtedly become “a blog that nobody read”…but oh well.

I intend to just ramble on here. About my neurotic behaviors, obsession with music, my love for mind dulling reality TV, my misadventures with people and my general thoughts (which may be undeniably boring). I hope to not be as depressing as I was on my LJ! While that is the intention, I make no promises.