Moving on....

I am in a state of shock...a good kind of shock. I came to a realization today that made me proud of myself. I have completely changed my life and I couldn't be happier about it. I have no doubt that I have healed as much as I ever will, and I am ready to start living again...

I went back to St. Peter's today. To see my students put on a production of "Grease". I have avoided going back there all year, I just couldn't let myself go back there. It was as if in my mind, going back there symbolized returning to a time in my life that I didn't want to relive.

You have to understand that my time spent at St. Peter's coincided with the worst time in my life, personally. Every single aspect of my life that I had known and understood up to that point vanished, there was not one part of my life that remained the same, and I was lost. I was a mess...an emotional wreck. I woke each morning uncertain I had the strength to make it through the day, it wasn't as if I could go to my desk and hide behind a computer all day. Instead, I had to stand in front of 30 middle school kids 7 periods a day. I had to pull it together, and maintain a strong front that I wasn't sure I was capable of doing. I was constantly trying to balance my personal hell with my professional life, and I was afraid I was losing that battle. Yet somehow I not only survived, by thrived and managed to somehow inspire.

I think it was a blessing in many ways. Because knowing that those kids were at an age where their hormones were making them far more vunerable and unstable than I was, gave me this kind of stability that I both craved and needed. I knew that I had to be an example, someone they could count on...as so many of them had no one in their lives. It turns out that those few middle school kids that touched my heart that school year, actually saved my life.

I let those kids rely on me, trust in me, and in turn it gave me strength to rebuild my life. I never knew that I had given those kids as much as I believed they had given me. I always credited them with teaching me, and hoped that someday they would remember me fondly. But, I had little faith that they actually would...then...today happened.

I walked into the gym, pretty much paralyzed by fear. I mean this was the place that I had decided to leave behind, this was the place that symbolized the life I used to have but no longer do. It was just frightening...then I felt a tap on my shoulder and it was one of my former students, who said "hi, where have you been?" and he reached in for a hug. Within seconds I was surrounded by students all yelling "hi", "I miss you", "why haven't you come to see us sooner?", "I love you"...all these warm wishes from students who I was convinced had forgotten me or at the very least wouldn't stop to say hello. But instead it was one warm wish and reunion after another.

And to see that I had a lasting impact on these students lives and that I will forever be memorialized within their adolescence, I am honored. I am touched. I even had one student tell me that this year was no fun, and she wasn't learning anything. While another told me that they are reading the same novel in high school that I made them read last year, and thus she is getting an 'A' and couldn't be happier.

I guess these aren't big moments to others, and some might think that it cements the fact that I should go back to teaching. But that isn't what I learned today...instead I feel that I learned the opposite.

I feel like I have made my impact, I left my mark so to speak on that world...and I am more than happy to move on. A new chapter, that I can finally start. Because I am finally content with closing this chapter. I am not sure that I was really ready to let go of that year...but seeing all those faces embracing me...still loving and caring for me, even though they had grown and moved on...made me realize that it was time for me to do the same.

And so I am ready. As I drove back toward town today, approaching the skyline of downtown Orlando I smiled...my heart smiled...as I knew that I was finally home. I had made my memory, I had made it through that time and learned that I am ready to do all it takes to live my life now. I am ready to jump in to any and everything now with my whole heart. Finally!!!